change. strange.

i wanted to go to the market, i wanted to buy some more time. i wished to purchase my childhood and become its child yet again. i just wanted to remain there, to extend a bit its validity date and remain this way some more. i wanted to buy some more time to be its favorite child.

i went to the market and asked to balance it all: my past, my mistakes, my thoughts, my expectations. i wanted to be able to separate them easily and put them in two bags: "to take" and "to leave". i still want to put them all in balance and be able to move on and focus.I hold one hand to everything behind, i still catch glimpses of everything i used to have, of everyone i used to keep close.

it is hard, moving on. it implies change, it implies leaving behind and digging. it implies digging through memories, dear belongings and, worse, it implies moving away. i will have to move my body away from this cold building i used to call home and my heart apart from them. i have already started to chain it inside, protect her from everything, good or bad. it's become numb, emotions don't ache anymore. for the first time the unknown does not fascinate me, for the very first time i fear this change. i fear taking this train to the unknown, the ticket is way too expensive. it is worth everything i owned these years.

i wanted to buy some more time to hold my brother's hand late in the night, to feel my mother's warm embrace and to wait yet again for this man's timid smile.
i'll go to the supermarket to buy a big wall to place in front of me, to keep this change from happening, to protect my heart from breaking.